Doughnuts for Breakfast
As a parent, there are so many pressures and opinions on how to be the "right parent". Judgement is passed in all elements from what you packed in their lunch box to how well they can accomplish academics. As a parent of two young girls, I try to seperate myself from the "competative" realm of parenting and listen to the greatest expert on what they need: ME.
On occaision, we decide to skip our whole grain cereal bars and fat free milk and just indulge in the sugar high of Shipley's doughnuts. Melting sugar, fluffy softness, and the best part- licking the sugar crystals off of our fingers! Its priceless. It also has so much more meanging to us; it represents comfort, bonding, and knowing that perfect to us is following what our love is all about.
When I work with parents, I often see one common pattern: they listen to all the wisdom of the world and forget to own all the wisdom they posess. There is NO perfect parent! So, I thought I would share some small pieces of insight that help the parents I work with, as well as myself, stay focused on who and what really matters.
Know Your Intention
If I tell my children its time to take a bath and get ready for bed, they don't jump up for joy and thank me for being a good mom. The typical response is, "Aw Mom, why do we have to take a bath?". So I try to always be clear about my intention. "My job as your mother is to keep you safe and healthy; this falls under healthy". In the case of choosing doughnuts for breakfast, there are no complaints; but I still make my intentions very clear for their future reference. "I think grabbing doughnuts for breakfast is a great idea. We can chill, have an us day, and celebrate all of our hard work this week!".
Follow Your Instincts
Fear can be our greatest enemy. Second to that, not trusting our intution or "gut" can also work against us. My youngest daughter can appear to be acting "unreasonable" and simply turn bright red in silent trantrum at a dinner table. Some patrons may stare at me and question why I'm not yanking her up by the arm to settle this in the bathroom. Bad parenting? Honestly, I don't pay any attention to them... especially knowing that some have probably gone through this a time or two themselves. Knowing my kid, she's probably reacting to anger from being talked over by her sister. This "bratty" behavior is really her way of telling me she needs a hug and to be heard. I know I've been there!
Model Your Expectations
Rewards and punsishments may be a way to train dogs, but it seems to be ineffective on my children. With rewards, I only have so much I can give; this includes time, money, toys, treats, and infomercial requests. The same goes for punishments; there is only so much I can take away. So I try three things:
1. I model healthy behavior. If I'm angry, I don't yell and throw a fit; I take a break. Literally, I verbalize that I am upset and I walk away for a minute to regroup.
2. As a family, we are a team. We all help and support each other; they gain self esteem by doing grown up stuff (folding laundry) and I gain extra time to give to them.
3. I speak to them how I want them to speak to me. Every afternoon, rather than asking, "how was school today?", I make a statement. "Tell me about your favorite part of today", "Tell me what frustrated you the most today". This enables easy answers and they ask the same things from me, "Mom, tell me about your favorite clients today... did you help anyone feel better"?
The best perk- I also have two people who love and care about me and I get to share my feelings too.
I would agree that offering doughnuts for breakfast everyday could lead to some unhealthy circumstances. I would agree more though, that seeing sugar covered smiles and hearing that I'm the best mom ever (even if it lasts an hour) is healthy not only as a parent, but also for our family dynamic as a whole.
