The Tinder Diaries: Article 4: Is this a fling or a real thing (with a ring?)
“We met on Tinder… we fell in love on date 2 because we texted so much it felt like we’d been dating for months”. As I sat there listening to the burdens of having a (literally) white picket fence, 2 kids, 2 story house, and money falling from the ass as though bad tuna was consumed last night, I couldn’t help but ask, “why are these people here”?
What sometimes looks as the best situation is also posing as the most convenient when it glimmers safety, stability, and most of all cultural expectations. Some relationships evolve from date 1 to date 4. Perhaps the burger and milkshake has turned into the ten dollar bar tab a time or two. The drive-in cuddle has turned into the twerk. The sentiment- well, that may just as well be the same, if not evolved. We all try to accept what we can get when coming from a place of frustration or devastation. We end up having mediocre sex, testing our threshold of tolerance to how stupid this next lay is in conversation, and possibly saying “I do” when our culture has established that this is the next step in our life map.
As the meetings start to accumulate, the question poses in all of us. “Is this person worth investing more time in, like for real; or is this just a fling”?
What do I expect of myself?
I encourage people to draw out a list. One side says “what I expect of myself”, the other says, “what I expect from a partner”. Myself should be the all inclusive independent list that represents your passions, career goals, sense of humor, top five values that guide you, and ultimately, the fun that you have with or without anyone else there. Expectations of self can be expressed within the first text or date. Open ended questions like, “When did you last experience a moment that you wanted to pause”?, or “What is your favorite late night snack”? are how you can understand when, where, how, and what a person is habitually going to do. It allows you to see if they are equal to your likes, dislikes, independence, or dependence. Its built on truth based on what you, and you alone own as living happily as a person.
What do I expect of my partner?
Gaze at the stars, hold on to your depth. The real expectations fulfill your day to day needs. They know when you get cold and need an extra blanket. They know your dietary needs and preferences. They ask about your work even if its boring… and smile at you anyway. The Tinder Hotties are amazing, but lack satisfaction. Gaps get harder to fill, and ultimately, more energy is depleted than gained. Expectations of a partner need to fill YOUR gaps. When and where do you desire career inspiration? How do you express feeling stuck sexually and physically? Can this person read your body language when you are stressed and just need space or a hug? If my expectations of self include being able to be home alone happily watching “Californicaton”, then my expectations of partner might look like sharing a couch laughing at the same debauchery I see as funny. Expectations of a partner don’t necessarily reflect the sex appeal of the stars, but they most certainly exceed them in quality time, vulnerability, and sex appeal that lasts beyond the long hair, beautiful abs, and plastic surgery.
Looking at quirks, could I seek hot sex and companionship with this person?
“I want sex, she wants a connection”. What gives? I talk about fantasy a lot. I know about more porn sites based on physical interest than I care to be educated about. So when I say that physical sex and seeking emotional connection have something in common, you can take a moment to hear me out. Fantasy is not just boobs bigger than your head or a cock larger than life. Fantasy that adds up to companionship has more to do with futuristic ideas built on present day commonalities. What are your priorities financially or relationship wise? What kind of comfort do you seek? Growing up, who or what do you wish you had more of? Your partner, your companion is going to offer that. Quirks are not going away though. We are who we are. Some people chew funny. Their teeth are awkward up close. They make funny noises in bed. Their laugh sounds like a horror story baby cry. Everyone has their quirks, and usually, those are also their strengths that have helped them survive, thrive, and overcome… its what made you interested. I say own your own quirks, and their’s become trivial.
When I walk away, do I long for more, or question my character?
I’m not into dating. Its complicated. It takes up so much energy that never gives back. So when I agree to go out with someone, they’ve earned it; or at least they’ve taken kindly to my quirks. My only drawback at this point of dating is when I walk away feeling judged or questioning my own character. I don’t believe in rejection. This comes from the perspective of all of us having personality traits that appear as less than to some, and fascinating to others. So if I’m out with a Mr. or Ms. “Perfect”, I walk away holding my breath until I can see them again, or I walk away wondering why they called me “wow, you’re tough” 16 times in 3 hours. The ring is built on mutual respect. Don’t try to like similar interests or music. Don’t try to keep up financially or intellectually. Don’t try to see passed their lack of what you expect and enjoy. Your character is all that counts and they’ll love it and evolve into your protector, confidant, and partner, or… you’ll both fake it till you make it… and end up with rings that don’t mean shit.
Dating and mating and all that comes in between is sometimes difficult to differentiate. We get lead on by great ones, let down by perfect ones, and seriously disgusted by randoms. If you’re putting yourself out there, know what you’re ready for, who you’re ready to tolerate, and what you hope to end up with.
